The similarities between Christmas and traveling

When I was much younger, I would always eagerly anticipate Christmas. The decorations, the traditions, the holiday from school, not to mention the presents of course, would be an annual highlight which would provoke a real sense of giddy excitement. This feeling was so strong that it took physical form and no doubt became very obvious to anyone visiting our home in the final days leading up to the 25th. Even as I have grown older, the old positive associations have stood the time, as others (seeing family again, Christmas dinner) have come to be more important. I no longer run around the house like a headless chicken though (thankfully).

The traveling I'm about to undertake is also provoking a strongly visceral sense of anticipation in me, although of a somewhat different nature. This week I've experienced two moods.

Firstly, after Liss left last Wednesday I have begun to feel quite anxious. The focus of my anxiety is no doubt the immigration process at the border, but my sense of dread has also started to spread to my visit after that. I became increasingly worried about what I was going to do, if indeed I was going to get anything done at all, or whether my whole project would come crashing down around my knees. I've felt under-prepared for a while now (even though most things that need to be prepared have been prepared), and this has manifest itself in a kind of impotence or stasis that has prevented me from working in the manner I normally would. It's almost as if I've avoided doing anything connected too directly with my research for the last few months because I didn't want to think about it. My language revision has been non-existent, I should have booked my ticket long before I did, and a part of me doesn't want to leave the comforts of my parents home. I even reached the point where, due to a transfer of funds issue, I considered delaying my departure for a few days, (and a small voice wished I wasn't going at all and had chosen a much easier project that didn't necessitate learning a foreign language or traveling somewhere so relatively inaccessible).

But, having booked my ticket and after thinking about and deciding on a strategy for the border, I felt a lot calmer again, and was almost looking forward to going. However, with only a few days to go I am once again feeling anxious. It's more a sense of reconciled anxiety (i.e. you're going, there's nothing you can do about it, so just get used to it), which I'm much happier about. While the journey is a difficult one for a reason, this is also what makes it worthwhile. I also have the consolation of knowing that I don't have stomach cramps (like I did in the summer). Hopefully this is because I am learning to cope better, although I think it's probably because I know more about where I'm going this time. (I have had a few nights where it's taken me some time to fall asleep even when I was very tired). However, I also remember that last time I went I enjoyed myself a great deal. Even though many of the friends I made won't be there, I'm sure that I'll be able to make new ones.

Time will tell...