Yes folks, it's the Islamic New Year, which no one really seems to care about, but everyone gets a day off work anyway.
The Islamic calendar works on a lunar cycle, hence the New Year is always on a different day each year.
Since both Friday and Sunday are 'holidays' in the Ramallah district (due to a substantial enough Christian population), this week has been kind of odd to say the least.
Thursday: Work.
Friday: Weekend.
Saturday: Work.
Sunday: Weekend #2.
Monday: Work.
Tuesday: Holiday.
And despite what you might think, I think it's actually better having your work days grouped together and your weekends grouped together too. Anyway, we'll be back to work tomorrow... for another 2 days that is, and then it's the weekend again.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Finally, some photos.
Click here for my flickr set of election posters. It's some what limited by bandwidth restrictions at the moment.
If you need to kill some time over the weekend
Here's an article by Peter Lagerquist. He's a journalist based in Ramallah, and he's written a very interesting piece about the layering of history and geography in the Acre region.
And buried among all the election news, Israel orders barrier built faster.
And buried among all the election news, Israel orders barrier built faster.
Old Friends
Well, all is quiet again, at least in this part of the West Bank. We're now in somewhat of an interstitial moment, waiting to see what the effects of the election are.
While we're waiting...
Let me introduce a couple of old friends I bumped into again:
W., my woman in Nablus (well actually she lives near Nablus), didn't vote in the election because she couldn't be bothered. She was off home again when I saw her, but I'm sure we'll catch up again soon.
K., whose restaurant is currently shut after an altercation with the landlord. The troubles have visibly taken their toll on K., but he was soon back to moaning, gossiping and smoking like a chimney. You can't keep a good man down for too long!
While we're waiting...
Let me introduce a couple of old friends I bumped into again:
W., my woman in Nablus (well actually she lives near Nablus), didn't vote in the election because she couldn't be bothered. She was off home again when I saw her, but I'm sure we'll catch up again soon.
K., whose restaurant is currently shut after an altercation with the landlord. The troubles have visibly taken their toll on K., but he was soon back to moaning, gossiping and smoking like a chimney. You can't keep a good man down for too long!
Thursday, January 26, 2006
The Election Section, Part 4 - The bit that's like a jumble sale. ('The louder you scream, the faster the ride')
Here's a snippet from an email I got this morning from G. a friend of mine in Nablus, who managed to become an official election monitor:
There's certainly more to Hamas than meets the eye. I might do a post on it in a few days if I feel that way inclined.
And here's a link to an article by Chris McGreal of the Guardian who is in Rafah, Gaza. I had to laugh because the adjective I would use to describe the 'Hamas girls' here would be 'fearsome'!
Finally, a point that some of my readers might be able to throw some light on. Despite the fact that the Palestinian population in the West Bank and Gaza is 3.7 million (according to the Palestinian Central Bureau of Statistics), only 1.3 million Palestinians were registered to vote!? That's 35%, or about a third of the population. Now I know Palestine has a very bottom heavy population pyramid (lots of kids in other words), but surely not that many. What happened to everyone else?
Unlike what one might expect from a group that is labeled as terrorist in most of the world, Hamas supporters here are largely detached from the "foreign affairs" aspect of Hamas. When questioned about their support for Hamas, the answer is nearly exclusively linked to corruption allegations with Fatah and the trustworthiness of Hamas. Actions such as suicide attacks in Israel are largely relegated to the backdrop as they are carried out by many groups other than Hamas. The only thing that matters in that respect, is that Hamas has not give up the struggle for historic Palestine. Whether this non abandoning of the struggle is through military or political means is a matter of preference…I personally get the impression Hamas is very close to abandoning the armed struggle.
There's certainly more to Hamas than meets the eye. I might do a post on it in a few days if I feel that way inclined.
And here's a link to an article by Chris McGreal of the Guardian who is in Rafah, Gaza. I had to laugh because the adjective I would use to describe the 'Hamas girls' here would be 'fearsome'!
Finally, a point that some of my readers might be able to throw some light on. Despite the fact that the Palestinian population in the West Bank and Gaza is 3.7 million (according to the Palestinian Central Bureau of Statistics), only 1.3 million Palestinians were registered to vote!? That's 35%, or about a third of the population. Now I know Palestine has a very bottom heavy population pyramid (lots of kids in other words), but surely not that many. What happened to everyone else?
The Election Section, Part 3 - The Morning After ('Shabba')
Well folks, I'd better get a move on since the news is already overtaking my ability to publish timely blogs.
I got up this morning and swung by the supermarket (in Palestine these are more like mini-markets) to ask J. about the results.
He told me that some people suggested a Fatah victory, while others were celebrating a Hamas win. As usual in Palestine, no one really has a clue what's going on, but they'll stick with their version of events as if it were the truth anyway.
The local Hamas group, who have their HQ across the valley from where I'm staying, were partying all night. I woke up at 5am and they were still going, and it was really cold and wet last night too. Still, you can't extinguish a joyful spirit. And since Hamas had no seats in the previous election then they were bound to win whatever the outcome.
However, as I write this: Breaking News
The Fatah PM and cabinet has quit and invited Hamas to form a new government. So there you have it. A new government. A new 'Islamic" Palestine?
We'll wait and see what the Central Election Committee come up with this afternoon when the official vote is announced.
I got up this morning and swung by the supermarket (in Palestine these are more like mini-markets) to ask J. about the results.
He told me that some people suggested a Fatah victory, while others were celebrating a Hamas win. As usual in Palestine, no one really has a clue what's going on, but they'll stick with their version of events as if it were the truth anyway.
The local Hamas group, who have their HQ across the valley from where I'm staying, were partying all night. I woke up at 5am and they were still going, and it was really cold and wet last night too. Still, you can't extinguish a joyful spirit. And since Hamas had no seats in the previous election then they were bound to win whatever the outcome.
However, as I write this: Breaking News
The Fatah PM and cabinet has quit and invited Hamas to form a new government. So there you have it. A new government. A new 'Islamic" Palestine?
We'll wait and see what the Central Election Committee come up with this afternoon when the official vote is announced.
Blue/Black Fingers (or we know what you've been doing).
One of the interesting off-shoots of the election, which was no doubt unintended, was the colour of people's fingers once they'd voted. To ensure there was no foul play, the people who organized the elections obviously bought some seriously strong ink, which would quite literally leave its mark on the proceedings. The ink would really stain peoples' fingers, and hence everyone who voted wandered round for the rest of the day (and probably for the rest of the week) with a blue/black finger. (T. spoke to one man who had managed to removed the ink - after scrubbing for half an hour with bleach!!!) While this was no doubt unintended, it provided a very visible signifier of who had participated in the democratic process and who hadn't.
The Election Section, Part 2 (‘Ray Von, as in Rave On!’)
Alright folks, more election coverage than you can shake a stick at...
Well yesterday was the big day. What I didn't realize was that the whole of Palestine gets a public holiday on election day. So pretty much everything was closed, except for a few private businesses. There were a few cars and trucks driving round with flags and posters plastered to the side, but not nearly as many as in previous days.
After going for a bit of a walk and taking some snaps of election posters, I dropped by T's supermarket. He was on his way to vote, and invited me along, so off we went to a local school, which had become an election station for the day. Despite T. being quite cynical about politics and politicians (he declared earlier in the week he wouldn't be voting) he was obviously doing his bit for the cause, which in his case was the PLFP. The entrance to the school bore a resemblance to the areas around checkpoints where all the cars and services park, (i.e. a little bit of chaos, which turns out to be very well organized in its own way).
At the entrance to the school compound various party supports (all of whom seemed too young to vote) were thrusting their party's card into people's hands, while being watched by a small group of PA soldiers. Even though T. knew who he was voting for, he seemed to collect most of the cards on offer anyway.
Since political parties weren't allowed on the voting premises, once inside the compound, it was fairly quiet. It also seemed that the efforts to thrust cards into peoples hands were some what in vain, since no party promotional material was actually allowed in the school building, unless it was stowed away. A few policemen were stationed at the entrance to enforce this rule. There were also long lists of names at the entrance, with a designated classroom where each individual had to vote. I think there were at least four classrooms being used, although I didn't count carefully. T. was assigned to room 2, at whose entrance an election official sat at a desk with a list of names of people who should be voting in that particular room. After searching for his ID, T. got himself crossed off that list, but then decided he had to rush outside to remind himself which candidate he was voting for (by looking at their promotional material).
The voting system here seemed fairly complicated in that everyone got to cast two ballots (both for the same election). The first ballot contained a list of parties, and you were allowed to vote for one. The second ballot contained a list of individual names, each of whom were assigned a number, and you could vote for up to five individuals. While most of these individuals are members of political parties, their party affiliation wasn't listed on the ballot. You therefore had to remember the name and/or the number of the candidate you wanted to vote for. The idea is that this system prevented people just ticking the names of the candidates who belong to such and such a party. Maybe the system was designed to help independent candidates, but the only likely outcome was that it ensured some people voted for individuals they didn't want to by mistake, although whether this in fact benefited anyone remains to be seen. 50% of parliamentary members were elected through the first ballot using a system of proportional representation and 50% were elected through the second method using a first past the post system for each district. The second method thus ensures regional representation, while the first method ensures that the big parties (and even some of the not so big parties) could almost guarantee the election of party stalwarts. (This was the biggest bone of contention within Fatah, who put the 'old guard'; at the top of their PR list).
Returning to the school once again, T., now having memorized which people he was voting for, entered room 2. Along one side were a row of desks behind which election officials sat, while at right angles to them were a row of chairs where designated representatives from each party sat, observing fair play. At the back of the room were two polling booths, and in the centre, where everyone could see it, were the two ballot boxes, also being looked after by an election official. T. first had to show his ID card to the first election official before moving on to a second official who was in charge of finger inking. To ensure people weren't voting in two places, finger prints were taken from each voter. T., who didn't want to get his finger too dirty, kept trying to dip his finger in the pot quickly, but kept failing to get any ink on his finger at all. Finally he took the plunge, and then moved on to a third official who gave him his two ballots, while explaining how to vote. He then went to the booth, ticked the requisite boxes, and posted his ballots. After a quick return trip to the booth to reclaim his ID which he'd left there, that was that and off we went.
I've no idea if everything was as well organized all over the country. I read on al-jazeera that there had been a shooting in Nablus, and that most Jerusalemites wouldn't be able to vote in Jerusalem.
Well yesterday was the big day. What I didn't realize was that the whole of Palestine gets a public holiday on election day. So pretty much everything was closed, except for a few private businesses. There were a few cars and trucks driving round with flags and posters plastered to the side, but not nearly as many as in previous days.
After going for a bit of a walk and taking some snaps of election posters, I dropped by T's supermarket. He was on his way to vote, and invited me along, so off we went to a local school, which had become an election station for the day. Despite T. being quite cynical about politics and politicians (he declared earlier in the week he wouldn't be voting) he was obviously doing his bit for the cause, which in his case was the PLFP. The entrance to the school bore a resemblance to the areas around checkpoints where all the cars and services park, (i.e. a little bit of chaos, which turns out to be very well organized in its own way).
At the entrance to the school compound various party supports (all of whom seemed too young to vote) were thrusting their party's card into people's hands, while being watched by a small group of PA soldiers. Even though T. knew who he was voting for, he seemed to collect most of the cards on offer anyway.
Since political parties weren't allowed on the voting premises, once inside the compound, it was fairly quiet. It also seemed that the efforts to thrust cards into peoples hands were some what in vain, since no party promotional material was actually allowed in the school building, unless it was stowed away. A few policemen were stationed at the entrance to enforce this rule. There were also long lists of names at the entrance, with a designated classroom where each individual had to vote. I think there were at least four classrooms being used, although I didn't count carefully. T. was assigned to room 2, at whose entrance an election official sat at a desk with a list of names of people who should be voting in that particular room. After searching for his ID, T. got himself crossed off that list, but then decided he had to rush outside to remind himself which candidate he was voting for (by looking at their promotional material).
The voting system here seemed fairly complicated in that everyone got to cast two ballots (both for the same election). The first ballot contained a list of parties, and you were allowed to vote for one. The second ballot contained a list of individual names, each of whom were assigned a number, and you could vote for up to five individuals. While most of these individuals are members of political parties, their party affiliation wasn't listed on the ballot. You therefore had to remember the name and/or the number of the candidate you wanted to vote for. The idea is that this system prevented people just ticking the names of the candidates who belong to such and such a party. Maybe the system was designed to help independent candidates, but the only likely outcome was that it ensured some people voted for individuals they didn't want to by mistake, although whether this in fact benefited anyone remains to be seen. 50% of parliamentary members were elected through the first ballot using a system of proportional representation and 50% were elected through the second method using a first past the post system for each district. The second method thus ensures regional representation, while the first method ensures that the big parties (and even some of the not so big parties) could almost guarantee the election of party stalwarts. (This was the biggest bone of contention within Fatah, who put the 'old guard'; at the top of their PR list).
Returning to the school once again, T., now having memorized which people he was voting for, entered room 2. Along one side were a row of desks behind which election officials sat, while at right angles to them were a row of chairs where designated representatives from each party sat, observing fair play. At the back of the room were two polling booths, and in the centre, where everyone could see it, were the two ballot boxes, also being looked after by an election official. T. first had to show his ID card to the first election official before moving on to a second official who was in charge of finger inking. To ensure people weren't voting in two places, finger prints were taken from each voter. T., who didn't want to get his finger too dirty, kept trying to dip his finger in the pot quickly, but kept failing to get any ink on his finger at all. Finally he took the plunge, and then moved on to a third official who gave him his two ballots, while explaining how to vote. He then went to the booth, ticked the requisite boxes, and posted his ballots. After a quick return trip to the booth to reclaim his ID which he'd left there, that was that and off we went.
I've no idea if everything was as well organized all over the country. I read on al-jazeera that there had been a shooting in Nablus, and that most Jerusalemites wouldn't be able to vote in Jerusalem.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Old Man is busy with the election today
Full update tomorrow readers.
Hopefully with some pictures too.
Hopefully with some pictures too.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Palestinian elections are like a wedding
Talking to S. the other day, he suggested that the forthcoming elections were like an enormous national wedding. At the time I didn't really understand what he was getting at precisely, and the conversation went elsewhere. However, after a few days following the elections, I've come up with two reasons (so far) why he might have said this:
Shooting, Dancing, Honking
Anyone who's spent any time in Palestine, particularly in the summer, knows that weddings are very noisy affairs, that involve all three of the above in great abundance, especially the car horns. Similarly, last night all three pastimes could be heard coming from the town centre, as some group (I think it was Hamas) started to celebrate prematurely.
The Predicted Result
All indications are that Fatah and Hamas are going to receive a similar amount of the vote, and will therefore have to join and work together to ensure that the new government functions. How quick can you say 'messy divorce'.
Shooting, Dancing, Honking
Anyone who's spent any time in Palestine, particularly in the summer, knows that weddings are very noisy affairs, that involve all three of the above in great abundance, especially the car horns. Similarly, last night all three pastimes could be heard coming from the town centre, as some group (I think it was Hamas) started to celebrate prematurely.
The Predicted Result
All indications are that Fatah and Hamas are going to receive a similar amount of the vote, and will therefore have to join and work together to ensure that the new government functions. How quick can you say 'messy divorce'.
Car of Choice
If you're rich and powerful (and probably corrupt), live in the Ramallah district, and want to keep up with the Johnsons (or the Kaladis), then you wouldn't been seen dead leaving the house in anything less than a Toyota SUV these days.
"BMWs and Mercs are so passe darling! You've got to get one of those cars those settler folk have. Yes, and you've got to get those yellow plates* too."
(In fairness, the terrain here justifies buying an SUV much more than anywhere in N. America).
While on the topic of cars, I have to sing the praises of those service (shared taxis) drivers. They manage to get a Ford Transit through gaps I wouldn't even be able to get a model car through!
*Israelis including Jerusalemites have yellow number plates. Palestinians have green. I seem to remember someone telling me once about a scam where if you had yellow plates, you avoided PA car tax (because they think you're vehicle is registered in Al Quds).
"BMWs and Mercs are so passe darling! You've got to get one of those cars those settler folk have. Yes, and you've got to get those yellow plates* too."
(In fairness, the terrain here justifies buying an SUV much more than anywhere in N. America).
While on the topic of cars, I have to sing the praises of those service (shared taxis) drivers. They manage to get a Ford Transit through gaps I wouldn't even be able to get a model car through!
*Israelis including Jerusalemites have yellow number plates. Palestinians have green. I seem to remember someone telling me once about a scam where if you had yellow plates, you avoided PA car tax (because they think you're vehicle is registered in Al Quds).
The Election Section (in tribute to Ray Von)
I visited Ramallah yesterday to check out the last day of campaigning in the elections. Parties aren't allowed to campaign today (although I've seen vehicles full of Fatah and Hamas supporters tearing around this morning). Ramallah was even busier than usual, and most of the menara (centre) was closed to traffic by the sheer number of people standing around. The central pyramid there (it looks like a 10 ft mini-Eiffel Tower) was adorned with more posters than a paper factory, and there was lots of music. Then, all of a sudden, the (youth) marching band of Hamas appear from the direction of the market, leading a procession of green-flag waiving men, the obligatory speaker-laden truck cranking out all your favourite Hamas tunes and conspicuously separate, green-flag waiving women. They marched through menara, up one street, and later appeared back down another street, heading from whence they came.
Also conspicuous - to me at least - was the number of posters with Mustafa Barghouti's face on it. He's the leader ("secretary") of Mubadara, or the Palestinian National Initiative, a human rights party. I can't recall seeing his poster anywhere near as much in other parts of Palestine, so presumably he lives in the Ramallah district. Interestingly enough (I say this in the context of the US AID funding Fatah scandal that broke yesterday), his party is reputed to be funded mainly by the EU. In fact, most of the parties are reputed to be funded by foreign sources of income, whether it be Hanna Ashwari's new party (can't remember their name, but apparently they get US money too), Hamas (Saudis and Iranians) or Fatah's now well known about US contributions. I wonder if people are so angry with Fatah now because they got caught with their hand so obviously in the piggy bank?
Also conspicuous - to me at least - was the number of posters with Mustafa Barghouti's face on it. He's the leader ("secretary") of Mubadara, or the Palestinian National Initiative, a human rights party. I can't recall seeing his poster anywhere near as much in other parts of Palestine, so presumably he lives in the Ramallah district. Interestingly enough (I say this in the context of the US AID funding Fatah scandal that broke yesterday), his party is reputed to be funded mainly by the EU. In fact, most of the parties are reputed to be funded by foreign sources of income, whether it be Hanna Ashwari's new party (can't remember their name, but apparently they get US money too), Hamas (Saudis and Iranians) or Fatah's now well known about US contributions. I wonder if people are so angry with Fatah now because they got caught with their hand so obviously in the piggy bank?
Monday, January 23, 2006
Introducing…S
S is going to help me with my Arabic. He's 32, has a wife, an almost 1 year old baby, 9 brothers, 1 sister (the youngest of the lot!), teaches Arabic as well as studying it. We had a nice cup of tea and he gave me the low down on the forthcoming elections. Word on the street is that Hamas are very close to Fatah in the opinion polls now, and the latter is getting quite worried. S. certainly wasn’t going to predict what was going to happen, nor how things would change should Hamas win the majority of seats. It would seem that breath here in Palestine, is quite ‘bated’ indeed.
...Palestine
Yes, I arrived safe and sound. Even the Jerusalem rush hour couldn’t hold me back. I have to say that after the nerves I experienced before coming, it's nice to feel calm and even positive once more.
Some things that have caught my attention already:
The Grass is Always Greener, in winter. All that rain water makes the shoots spring up, and as a result the olive terraces look even more picturesque than in summer.
Inflation. Service (shared taxis) prices have risen. Thankfully, the prices of bread and falafel sandwiches haven’t.
Vote for Me, I’m Dead! Elections are only days away, and all the candidates have their posters and banners adorning anything that stands upright. Somewhat to my amusement, most of the Fatah and Hamas posters show the image of Arafat and Sheikh Yassin respectively! I wonder if voting for a dead person is in fact a rather telling cipher/metaphor for these elections.
The Streets Are Clean, (or cleaner), in case anyone feels the need to take to them in the near future. Cleaner streets could be the result of the municipal elections in the Autumn but I rather think they’re a last gasp bid by the authorities (or the Authority) to sway the minds of the voting public. Even if this election achieves nothing else, it’s good to know something positive was done.
Orange Reflective Jackets, can now be seen in most peoples’ cars. This is a new Israeli law which is designed to protect people when their car breaks down at night. Bless.
Some things change, such as the weather, which can get quite cold at night. It’s ironic that I’ve lived in places where the temperature gets a lot lower, but central heating has prevented me from ever feeling those temperatures. Now however, I am lucky enough to know what 5 degrees centigrade really feels like.
And some things don’t, such as the Internet crashing just as you’ve written a long blog post / email, and power cuts. No electricity, no electric heater, no heat source what so ever. I really do know what 5 degrees feels like.
Some things that have caught my attention already:
The Grass is Always Greener, in winter. All that rain water makes the shoots spring up, and as a result the olive terraces look even more picturesque than in summer.
Inflation. Service (shared taxis) prices have risen. Thankfully, the prices of bread and falafel sandwiches haven’t.
Vote for Me, I’m Dead! Elections are only days away, and all the candidates have their posters and banners adorning anything that stands upright. Somewhat to my amusement, most of the Fatah and Hamas posters show the image of Arafat and Sheikh Yassin respectively! I wonder if voting for a dead person is in fact a rather telling cipher/metaphor for these elections.
The Streets Are Clean, (or cleaner), in case anyone feels the need to take to them in the near future. Cleaner streets could be the result of the municipal elections in the Autumn but I rather think they’re a last gasp bid by the authorities (or the Authority) to sway the minds of the voting public. Even if this election achieves nothing else, it’s good to know something positive was done.
Orange Reflective Jackets, can now be seen in most peoples’ cars. This is a new Israeli law which is designed to protect people when their car breaks down at night. Bless.
Some things change, such as the weather, which can get quite cold at night. It’s ironic that I’ve lived in places where the temperature gets a lot lower, but central heating has prevented me from ever feeling those temperatures. Now however, I am lucky enough to know what 5 degrees centigrade really feels like.
And some things don’t, such as the Internet crashing just as you’ve written a long blog post / email, and power cuts. No electricity, no electric heater, no heat source what so ever. I really do know what 5 degrees feels like.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
The similarities between Christmas and traveling
When I was much younger, I would always eagerly anticipate Christmas. The decorations, the traditions, the holiday from school, not to mention the presents of course, would be an annual highlight which would provoke a real sense of giddy excitement. This feeling was so strong that it took physical form and no doubt became very obvious to anyone visiting our home in the final days leading up to the 25th. Even as I have grown older, the old positive associations have stood the time, as others (seeing family again, Christmas dinner) have come to be more important. I no longer run around the house like a headless chicken though (thankfully).
The traveling I'm about to undertake is also provoking a strongly visceral sense of anticipation in me, although of a somewhat different nature. This week I've experienced two moods.
Firstly, after Liss left last Wednesday I have begun to feel quite anxious. The focus of my anxiety is no doubt the immigration process at the border, but my sense of dread has also started to spread to my visit after that. I became increasingly worried about what I was going to do, if indeed I was going to get anything done at all, or whether my whole project would come crashing down around my knees. I've felt under-prepared for a while now (even though most things that need to be prepared have been prepared), and this has manifest itself in a kind of impotence or stasis that has prevented me from working in the manner I normally would. It's almost as if I've avoided doing anything connected too directly with my research for the last few months because I didn't want to think about it. My language revision has been non-existent, I should have booked my ticket long before I did, and a part of me doesn't want to leave the comforts of my parents home. I even reached the point where, due to a transfer of funds issue, I considered delaying my departure for a few days, (and a small voice wished I wasn't going at all and had chosen a much easier project that didn't necessitate learning a foreign language or traveling somewhere so relatively inaccessible).
But, having booked my ticket and after thinking about and deciding on a strategy for the border, I felt a lot calmer again, and was almost looking forward to going. However, with only a few days to go I am once again feeling anxious. It's more a sense of reconciled anxiety (i.e. you're going, there's nothing you can do about it, so just get used to it), which I'm much happier about. While the journey is a difficult one for a reason, this is also what makes it worthwhile. I also have the consolation of knowing that I don't have stomach cramps (like I did in the summer). Hopefully this is because I am learning to cope better, although I think it's probably because I know more about where I'm going this time. (I have had a few nights where it's taken me some time to fall asleep even when I was very tired). However, I also remember that last time I went I enjoyed myself a great deal. Even though many of the friends I made won't be there, I'm sure that I'll be able to make new ones.
Time will tell...
The traveling I'm about to undertake is also provoking a strongly visceral sense of anticipation in me, although of a somewhat different nature. This week I've experienced two moods.
Firstly, after Liss left last Wednesday I have begun to feel quite anxious. The focus of my anxiety is no doubt the immigration process at the border, but my sense of dread has also started to spread to my visit after that. I became increasingly worried about what I was going to do, if indeed I was going to get anything done at all, or whether my whole project would come crashing down around my knees. I've felt under-prepared for a while now (even though most things that need to be prepared have been prepared), and this has manifest itself in a kind of impotence or stasis that has prevented me from working in the manner I normally would. It's almost as if I've avoided doing anything connected too directly with my research for the last few months because I didn't want to think about it. My language revision has been non-existent, I should have booked my ticket long before I did, and a part of me doesn't want to leave the comforts of my parents home. I even reached the point where, due to a transfer of funds issue, I considered delaying my departure for a few days, (and a small voice wished I wasn't going at all and had chosen a much easier project that didn't necessitate learning a foreign language or traveling somewhere so relatively inaccessible).
But, having booked my ticket and after thinking about and deciding on a strategy for the border, I felt a lot calmer again, and was almost looking forward to going. However, with only a few days to go I am once again feeling anxious. It's more a sense of reconciled anxiety (i.e. you're going, there's nothing you can do about it, so just get used to it), which I'm much happier about. While the journey is a difficult one for a reason, this is also what makes it worthwhile. I also have the consolation of knowing that I don't have stomach cramps (like I did in the summer). Hopefully this is because I am learning to cope better, although I think it's probably because I know more about where I'm going this time. (I have had a few nights where it's taken me some time to fall asleep even when I was very tired). However, I also remember that last time I went I enjoyed myself a great deal. Even though many of the friends I made won't be there, I'm sure that I'll be able to make new ones.
Time will tell...
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
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